It's been so long since I've seen the ocean...... Guess I should

I never dreamed of a big wedding. I never dressed up and pretended about it when I was little. I really don't even care if I get married or not. I know I want kids eventually. I know I want to be with someone. For the longest time I was sure it was gonna be one person. Then for the last 6 years I could have swore it was gonna be another. Now I don't know.

The person I'm with now has alot of growing up to do. He has an addiction he has to kick. He has to change his attitude. I don't know if I can trust him. The person I was with, I can't trust. He has a differant lifestyle then me, but not one I don't want. I would have one life with one and a completly differant life with the other. Right now I don't know what I want. I really want my current relationship to work out, I really do. Although I like the thought of the other one.

I think I'm just bored. Its the same thing everyday. I need a change. I need to have something happen. I need something..... I'm just stuck here. I'm stuck living at home, stuck doing the same thing everyday. I like my job, that was my big change for the year. Going from the Nazi Camp to this place was a good move on my part. I'm gonna go to the beach Thursday. I need a change in sceanery for at least a day.

Living in a door way.....

I get mad at myself sometimes because I have no idea what I want. One day I'm happy with everything. One day I'll hate everything. Sometimes I'm just not happy with my relationship or where I live or what I do. Sometimes I want what I had. Sometimes I won't something completly differant. I just can't be happy all the time with whats here.

The biggest thing is where I am. I want to move. South west perferably. I hate beeing cold and since I live in the northeast we get cold winters that last forever. I even get antzy this time of year because even though it's beautiful out, I know the cold is coming.

I don't want to go into my relationship but I'm attracted to stabability. Right now we don't have that. I like if you can sopport yourself, have a good job, be independent and be comfortable. I don't want anyone to take care of me, but I definatly don't want to take care of anyone! I can't stand when you can't do things for your self and are constantly asking others to do it for you when you are perfectly able to.

I'm content with my job though. I like the people and the hours. I just wish it was full time. Money is an issue but that will fix itself in time. I sometimes have to barrow some money off my parents from time to time but hey, I'm paying for everything myself. Including school in cash so I'm not doing too bad.

Something I do like is the fact I can leave. Not that I would right now, but if I wanted to go I could. Even if it's something as petty as going to the beach by myself for the day or something as big as uprooting and going to California, I could. Hell, If I wanted to live in Mexico for a year and work as a massage therapist on a resort beach somewhere, I could.

The more things change the more things stay the same

Yesterday was my brothers 1st anniversary. They are not together anymore for obvious reasons I will go into one day, but It's still worth mentioning.

My aunt and uncle are off to California on wednesday. I'm jealous a bit. If I went I wouldn't come back. Maybe thats part of the plan? I'm begining to think I have no control on the future. Things fall inot place too coincidently for me to be able to be planning things. What if no matter what road you take you would get the same outcome? I thought about this for a little yesterday. Intresting....